I had one of those melancholy days this week. Couldn't work out which way I wanted to go; to the office to do some much needed work, or to bed with a good book and the Sky remote. Life often overtakes me and leaves me feeling tired. Tired of smiling, tired of talking, tired of being who I am.
My life here is wonderful. I have never regretted my move to Northumberland to become a farmer's wife. My protective farmer is a beautiful person and, after a long time of searching for the missing piece, he placed it into my hands giving me the freedom to complete my life's jigsaw.
Had it not been for my dad introducing me to the farmer many years ago, I would never have found this incredible place and therefore never been given the opportunity to make a new life here, in my own piece of paradise. My dad passed before the farmer and I finally got together. Having felt his spirit beside me I do know that he visits me at the home in which I have become most content. He approves of the farmer and he watches Amy grow. Yet, as I sit here, sad at having no loving dad draw up outside my home I appeal to him to come forward, to visit me once more. After seven and a half years I still hurt. Terribly. Tears pierce my eyes whenever I think of him, whenever I look at his beautiful face, whenever I wish he could comment on Amy's amazing progress.
The emptiness that I feel often overwhelms the blissfulness I have been dealt. I cannot see past the day I touched my dad's coffin as I read out a poem in front of 400 people in church. I remember each moment of that day like it was this morning. Yet when I turn my head towards the window and gaze upon the splendour that is my countryside view, I remember how much has happened in the last 7 years. My unforgettable wedding day, Amy's diagnosis, making this house my home. So many days have gone by that I will never remember yet so many are etched in my memory.
I have cried myself to sleep many nights, some having felt my dad's hand in mine while others have been a usual embrace with my farmer, the man who saved me from a life I was desperately unhappy about. But while I accepted the last piece of the jigsaw from my farmer on our wedding day, I will always know how it came that he was able to offer me that devotion. When my dad introduced us in 1993, he was introducing me to my future; a life that I would one day live on a farm in Northumberland with the gentlest and most incredible man whom only my dad would have known to be the perfect man for me.
Thursday, 13 November 2008
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45 comments:
This is so moving, absolutely true. I too miss my dad, he died in 1996 and as a direct result I returned home from Nottingham where i was teaching and met Jon. We have been married now for 20 years. HUGS
That has put shivers (nice shivers btw) through me. The tenderness, the love, the whole completeness of everything.
It is truly moving and your love for both these strong men and their love for you is so evident.
I wish you peace in abundance my friend. (((hugs)))
I feel very much for you, as you know I was very close to my Dad who died in the same year as yours. You are still experiencing the waves of grief. Sometimes all can be well in your life and you can appreciate just how good things are, then suddenly the waves of grief come crashing in and flood over you and everything looks bleak. You either drown or learn to ride the waves. Eventually with time, the waves get less and less and start to recede, but they can still catch you unawares. I think the best thing to do is accept that these waves will come. Just go to a quiet place and accept that it will be a bad day and know that the wave will go away again. At least you have the lovely farmer to protect you and the knowledge that he would have been your Dad's choice for you.
Aw..... that was a lovely post.
Some days are like that. Sometimes it goes on into weeks but the melancholy times do pass.
I am glad that your jigsaw is complete. Think mine still has a few pieces missing some how, or maybe not. Maybe will take a life time.
I still miss my mum. When she was my age & helped me so much. Couldn't possibly be like that again, but I do still miss her.
Crystal....God gave you 3 beautiful gifts: your father, the farmer, and Amy. I believe your father is walking this walk with you...every single step. Don't be sad, but instead revel in the beauty of your life.
What a touching, heartfelt post.
Can I say that although I know one shouldn't envy another person, I do envy those of you who had a loving relationship with your fathers. Mine was a bit sadistic with words not physically, nothing I did was ever right or good enough. He was a snob, pretending to be someone he know longer was, refusing to shake off the mantle of an RAF officer ini WWII, long, long after it had all ended and he had hung up his uniform for the last time. He showed love by giving presents to my mother and I... I have no recollection of being cuddled by him at all, how sad is that? I was frightened of him at times, bewildered by this man too, who could be kind and considerate one minute, the opposite the next. Whose friends, I have only recently discovered, thought so highly of him, but had no clue as to the real man himself. It is perhaps fortunate in some ways he didn't play much of a part in my upbringing, was away three and a half weeks out of every four, and my mother and I were thrown together, and we had the best relationship. She died in 1975 when I was 25, he died six years later, both in their fifties. I wish things had been different, that I too, would have fond memories of being a daddy's girl.
what a beautiful poignant post - thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. it brings back many of my own memories.
oh and i just tagged you for a meme :-)
xV
That was very moving CJ, you brought tears to my eyes, a big hug from me x
Oh, CJ, this is an incredibly moving post. Wow.
Peace - D
A very moving post, CJ. You are so fortunate to have had a close and loving relationship with your dad. It is something I always longed for.
Hi CJ,
Wonderful post! I can totally relate to the feelings you have for your departed Father, as I also have them for my Mum who also passed away some years ago at the age of 56.
Some days are great, but some are terrible, but you'll always have your Father there by your side, guiding you through your life and protecting you from life's harshness.
All the very best! Big Hug
I'm so glad your Dad comes to visit you so often.
I'm sure it helps in many ways.
Grief is strange isn't it? We think we'd get through it faster or easier - but no. It goes on and on.
Quite delightful. Learning to accept the shadows in our lives makes for a far more interesting journey.
Best wishes
Very poignant. Don't know what else to say.
dear cj, something that helps me when i feel this way is i think how my mom would hate to see me so sad,she almost cannot bear it. This is the same way I feel when my own children are hurting. Its too hard to bear. Your Dad is with you. Your pain and sorrow are his too, you know, because thats how it is being a parent. My Mom tells me to be gentle with myself,when I hurt she feels it too. It helps me through most everything.
Sending you warm ocean breezes,hugs and Love
Beautiful words.... :) TFX
Thank you CJ that was lovely,
I feel so much love for my mum and cant imagine her not being around, she's my best friend as well as my mum.
So moving. What wonderful men you have had, and have now in your life. Hope that you are riding through the pain and out the other side, for now. Its tiring though, isn't it. Stay resting. Hope you feel better soon.
I know. And I understand. Though my dad is still here, so much of him is missing. I miss him too.
Your dad introduced you to your hubby? Could anything be more perfect! That is absolutely charming. :)
What a beautiful post.
Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Oh Crystal, that was such a lovely, heartrending post. Made me think of my Mum,who, like your Dad, knew that my hubby was the only one for me. Last time I saw her was the weekend we got engaged. Our last words were "I love you" to each other. 4 days later, she dropped dead, on 30th October. The 2 Halloween bracks that she baked that morning were still on the kitchen counter. We ate them at her funeral.That was 21 years ago, and I'm crying as I write this. On the one hand, isn't it wonderful that someone is still missed that much after so much time. That is a life that made a difference. On the other, how I wish I could have had more time with her, and you with your Dad. And that they could see their grandchildren and share in all the joys of that. Love and hugs, and thanks for bringing back some lovely memories, mimi
I know how you feel...My Dad crossed over in '02...I miss him like Crazy...Sweet sleep little love!!!hughugs
What a memorable post, Crystal.
Crystal,
This is moving and beautiful. I found myself tearing up at times and thought about my own father who died in 1994. I think about him every single day and remember the gifts/lessons that he gave me.
Grief is so difficult and unpredictable. Let yourself use your time to focus on your beautiful family and relaxing and reading.
XXXXXXXX
I am so glad you have found the farmer. He sounds like a sweet man.
I also believe as you do. That your Dad is there with you when you feel him in spirit. That is his gift now.
Very touching and such eloquent writing. Your way with words is your gift. Thank you for sharing it with us.
A beautiful post. My father is trying to introduce me to a man, but i have been resisting - after reading this i will rethink.
Beautiful post. I can identify exactly with your feelings. My father, who I was close to, died 10 months after we married, so never really got to know my husband. I still miss him but now I have my husband.
There is an award for you on my blog.
That was such a beautiful post. I'm welling up...
Thank you, that was a very moving post, and has told me that I must write one about my father, who died when I was four. How wonderful it would be if he came to see me...I would die happy.
that was a lovely post, crystal...can't wait to read part 2
CJ, that is such a lovely post. You are very fortunate to have had two such men in your life. I'm glad you and your dad had such a wonderful relationship though I envy it as well. As you know from reading my post, I am not so fortunate in the father department.
My Dad died in 1994. He very often shows up in my dreams. God bless you.
(Came here from Moannie's place.)
Thanks for this grand bit of writing. You're really quite a treat, and I'm glad I found you - or you found me (I forget which it was.)
Sorry. That last was meant to be a reply to Moannie.
You and he are clearly so close. Heart-warming.
Oh my eyes welled up with tears while reading this. You write so beautifully. I also want to say that your blog header is just incredible (sure I already mentioned but) I think it is the movement in the wheat grass.
Thank you for all your touching comments. I shall post the next part of my Jigsaw soon.
Love Crystal xx
I have never heard you speak of the farmer in this way CJ. All your love and compassion shines through in this blog. You have many blessings.
What a moving and poignant post, CJ. I am so glad that your father was wise enough to introduce you to the farmer and that your unhappiness has been replaced by bliss. You have indeed been blessed.
Big hugs.
That's a love story for the two men in your life Crystal. Very beautiful. I can't wait to hear the rest.
Hugs to CJ. I'm saddened that you still cry yourself to sleep but I look forward to the next piece of the jigsaw.
Hi, you've been MEME'd. Sorry to spoil your Sunday!
This was such a beautiful, heartfelt post. It made me tear up and I can relate to it. I lost my Dad (my Daddy) six years ago. And he never got to meet my future husband. But the weird part is, is that my father's words sometimes come out of my husband's mouth. It takes my breath away and makes me smile, knowing my Dad is living on.
Your dad is with you.
Such a moving post. I have always longed for such a relationship.
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