I'm involved in many blogging circles, mainly to do with writing, autism and mums. For a while now I've read, and sometimes commented on, a considerable amount of posts with regards to breast feeding, and most of the articles have been written by mum bloggers. I have fairly strong views on this subject and I try not to shy away from them. But this week, I read a post written by a mum blogger who's blog I've never read before, and she was literally beside herself because she found it difficult to breast feed. I read through some more of her posts because I assumed she was suffering from post natal depression or something, but all the posts indicated that she just lived a normal, healthy and happy life with her husband and two other children. I refuse to judge anyone, most of all people I don't know, but her words made me feel really sad for her and women in that position.
Women who find it hard to breastfeed their babies are NOT a failure. The whole campaign that "breast is best" has put an increasing amount of pressure on new mums and when I heard many hospitals no longer supply formula, well, I dare say the air was blue around me. I guess that's an issue with the Health Service really, and I assume it's a new issue. I do sympathise with women who feel inadequate because they can't breast feed but I do feel this comes from deep within, like it's a desire to prove their woman-hood in the most natural way they can. All we want is for our babies to be healthy. Many new mums like to try breast feeding and that's entirely their privilege. I didn't.
I was asked once during my pregnancy if I intended breast feeding or bottle feeding. My answer was quick, adamant and not debatable. I was never asked again, not even in hospital. When Amy was born, I was passed a small bottle of formula and she drank it straight away. I had no intention to even try breast feeding, and I certainly had no intention of changing my mind about it. Pressurising new mums is, in my humble opinion, one of the worst things anyone can do. Hormones raging, tiredness, trying desperately to get into a new routine and realising that your life will never be the same again is most definitely all the pressure a person needs. When the health visitor sits opposite you, watching baby squirm about in your arms, then asks how you're getting on feeding and you reply, "not great", that's when you need the support and not the "do you think you might be suffering from PND?" question. If a woman can't decide on which method to use then help should be sought, but it should not be turned into "you should do it this way because it's best for your baby" conversation. Mum knows what's best for her baby, and baby will soon tell you anyway. Breast feeding AND bottle feeding is a CHOICE. No one should ever be made to feel as though they failed because they're having problems with baby latching on, or because the experience is painful and uncomfortable. A woman is very capable of carrying and nurturing an unborn baby for nine months. Surely she is capable of making a decision without being judged or discredited by other women and health professionals.
p.s. I've changed the comments format, can you tell me if you prefer it like this or the other way please...
I have to say that I think breast is best and I don't really understand the whole not trying it thing although I know a lot of people feel like that and I don't think you should be pressured into it.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm not naive and it doesn't mean that it's best for every mum or every baby. I think that a happy mum makes a happy baby so if you are stressed and struggling with BF then you pass that on to your baby making them unsettled and then unable to latch etc.
BF is not always easy, with my son I literally dragged myself through 7months of horrendous struggles and wish I had sought greater support and not felt so rubbish about feeding. With my daughter I was all prepared to ask for support and then everything went brilliantly and she fed like a dream.
I guess what I'm saying is that the pressure is not matched by the support and BF can often be a very lonely thing to do as no-one can do it for you. If the pressure were replaced by support then maybe more people would BF
I am a breast is best lady.
ReplyDeleteBut I totally agree with your post. Laying on guilt and judging new mums is not constructive.
Breastfeeding is not easy, although lots of the classes you go to would have you think so. Once youve got the hang of it and if you don't encounter problems (you are more likely to hear mastitis horror stories than positive things but lots and lots of women never get any issues.) it's feels natural. The hardest part is getting the hang of it, which is especially frustrating and upsetting when guilt and judgement are added into the mix.
The most important thing is that the baby is fed.
You are right - it should be a choice but it should also be an informed choice and not one made through a lack of support for breastfeeding.
ReplyDeleteThe 'Breast is Best' slogan actually came from a formula company. Breastfeeding is not best it is the normal way to feed a baby and in my opinion should be supported as such. Unfortunately in the UK we have changed to being a bottlefeeding culture and this impacts on how easy it is to make the decision to breastfeed and is demonstrated in the poor support available.
Most mothers that I come across as a breastfeeding peer supporter who feel that they have 'failed' by giving formula aren't mothers who feel they chose to give it but who have given it because they feel that they have no other choices left. Those like yourself who choose to use fomula from day one are often much happier in their decision.
We need better trained MW and HV to spot early feeding issues and solve them before they develop into huge problems which undermine new parents confidence and leave them doing what they don't want to do by giving formula. Too many HV / MW suggest formula as the solution without looking at what the parents want and seeing if they can support them to carry on breastfeeding. Suggesting to a struggling parent that they try formula is a quick win because it 'fixes the problem' there and then whereas the time to sit and check latch / try different feeding positions etc could take hours (the cost then becomes the parents in buying formula rather than the professionals time).
We also need to make sure that realistic information about breastfeeding is given - e.g. feeding little and often is normal, cluster feeding / unsettledness in an evening is normal and waking for night feeds is normal - none of them prove that you have not enough milk and need to give formula.
Formula is not perfect and there are risks to using it so it is important that parents know those risks and what their options are when making the decision.
you're so right.
ReplyDeleteI was pressurised into breastfeeding my son, but I received so little help that i ended up frustrated and switched to formula. From there i had PND and i had drugs thrown in my direction.
All i really needed was a chat and a cup of coffee with a little reassurance. Something I've definitely learnt for next time round!
Ah such a heated topic. My mother bottle fed all five of my siblings. We are all OK (alright, I am a bit demented). She even put cereal in our bottles (shock, horror) at three months! This is a topic that people don't want to talk about, mainly because there are such strong views against bottle feeding. x
ReplyDeleteAh, and leaving a comment on your blog IS very easy.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, I hate the slogan breast is best and wrote a rather ranty blog on it myself in December! http://cazandbelle.blogspot.com/2011/12/feeding-guilt.html
ReplyDeleteThings have improved since then, because we made a decision that was right for my family. We are now mix feeding; mainly breast with one formula feed at 11pm. It has made all the difference to how I was feeling about bf the rest of the time. But I went through weeks of guilt, fear of the risks because of comments on my blog and feeling a failure to make that decision for one bottle feed a day.
There needs to be more people who support feeding whatever the method without the focus being solely of breast. How about patting women on the back and saying 'good job, your baby is thriving' rather than this incessant focus on feeding method?
I breastfed all 4 of mine because I'm lazy and I found it easy but I really think people should be given the facts and left to make a choice. I had decided not to feed my DD2 as I thought it would be too difficult with an 18 month old on the rampage and I got so much pressure from everyone, it was unbelievable.
ReplyDeleteI stuck to my guns and demanded formula but she wouldn't drink from the bottle, and kept nuzzling me, so I gave her one quick breastfeed and after that it was all over. I fed her until she was 12 months, tried her with a bottle of formula every night and only ever got a tiny bit into her.
I believe that any health advantage in breastfeeding only lasts until they have their first meal from McDonalds!
I was desperate to love breastfeeding, and was a naive 21-yr-old with my first. It was hell...I produced enough milk for triplets and almost drowned my daughter every time! I kept on for seven months, cried every time I had to feed and hated it. Moved to bottle at seven months, easy. My son was born three years later and I confided in my female GP after three weeks of painful breastfeeding, she said 'Try bottles.' It was like I finally had permission and I began with the bottle, I enjoyed my second baby so much more even though I had post natal depression. For my third, I was ready to bottle feed straight away, but decided to go breast for the first few weeks, and amazingly it worked and was easy, so I carried on 'til my daughter weaned herself off!
ReplyDeleteI really wish I'd had more support to stop breastfeeding the first time, it hadn't worked and I slogged away becoming very distressed and depressed with no advice except, keep at it! I did feel like a failure and in a lot of pain!
It really does have to be a personal decision, but you need equal support either way!
I totally agree with you that breastfeeding is a choice. I made the choice to breastfeed. It's what I wanted to do, and in the same way as I had to learn to drive, I accepted it was a skill I would need to learn. I'm glad I did it, but in the bed next to me was a lady who I have remained very good friends with. For three days she cried every time her baby was hungry, feeling a pressure to breastfeed. She felt as if she was a failure for not trying.
ReplyDeleteThe misery of it took away some of the pleasure she should have been feeling as a new mum. Eventually, she tried a bottle. She never looked back and I honestly think it saved her. She could not have gone on the way she was, and I dread to think what might have happened if she'd had to persevere. I don't think she'd be the happy, relaxed mum she is now if those first months had carried on the way the first three days did. I chose to breastfeed, she chose not to, where's the problem with that?! x
I breastfed both of mine and I really struggled with the first one - took me at least 3 or 4 months to really get it but it was something that I really wanted to do and believed in. I wasn't pressured into it but I wasn't exactly helped by midwives and health visitors who on the whole were pretty useless. The best advice did come from the dreaded NCT but at least they do know how to help you - the breastfeeding counsellor in our area was excellent and really knew what she was talking about. I am also inherently lazy and found it much easier to wap me boobs out than faff around with bottles (mine both had a bottle a day from about 6 weeks so that I could leave them if I wanted to) but all that washing and sterilising and measuring - aghhh! I do agree though that women should not be pressurised into either - if anything I felt people in general (in laws, friends etc) disapproved of me breastfeeding and could not understand why I wanted to do it so it works both ways.
ReplyDeleteI would say though that breastfeeding should be encouraged in poorer third world countries where it is seen as better to feed your child on formula and where parents cannot really afford to do this - hence why formula adverts should not be encouraged as breastfeeding is free (I am also tight!!)and there is no danger of dirty water etc being mixed with the formula which could make the babies sick.
I'm sorry but I don't agree with not at least trying to breastfeed. After all, it is the method nature designed for feeding babies, so how can anything else be better? If you couldn't breastfeed in the days before formula, your baby wouldn't have survived. I think it's selfish not to at least try. You're denying your own child the best start in life. Breastfeeding also helps with bonding. It breaks my heart to see babies in prams with bottles shoved in their mouths. It's such a distant and cold way to feed a child. What are your reasons for not trying? You should have the conviction to say them out loud. You say that you assumed a woman berating herself over not being able to breastfeed had PND, yet you get upset with health visitors who ask if women have PND when they're struggling, makes no sense. I had PND very severely, requiring three months in hospital, but I breastfed my baby. Women need to be honest and say yes, it is very hard, it can hurt, it's tiring, you get no space, breastfed babies sleep much less etc. but it's the best thing for your child and as mothers we all know we have to make sacrifices. If you can't get breastfeeding going then fair enough, but to not try is extreme selfishness.
ReplyDeleteI was SO pressurised into breastfeeding that I swear I landed up with PND with all the stress. I didn't get any help with feeding properly and felt isolated and a complete failure. I bottle fed my second and it was heaven.
ReplyDeleteI made a deliberate choice not to breastfeed my two boys and I am not selfish. I am a stay at home mum who dedicates her life willingly to her children, I'd do this even if my youngest wasn't severly autistic. They are my life, period. I chose not to breastfeed for a multitude of reasons which are personal and yes I felt guilty sometimes over the decision I made but in the long run it was the right one for me and my children. I bonded with my boys just as strongly as any Mum can and we have a wonderful, close relationship. Ultimately It has to be a woman's choice which she should be free to make, removed from external pressur. It is her body and what matters most surely is the love and care we display for our children long term.
ReplyDeleteI never wanted to breast feed either and was made to feel selfish. Of course I was strongminded enough not to let it get to me. My two boys didn't suffer because I didn't breast feed them.
ReplyDeleteI almost wondered if you'd been reading my blog - except I did suffer post natal depression. I totally agree with you and have written several posts about my failure to breastfeed - http://www.mummycentral.com/2011/04/29/trying-my-breast/ and the pressure I felt to do so.
ReplyDeleteI've also blogged about the 'lactivists' who smugly tell me I didn't try hard enough or I was too lazy.
Just been discussing this today with a Mum from South Africa, where the message is that "A happy Mum equals a happy baby". Over there, they encourage you to try, but if you don't then it's no big deal.
I too was breast is best, but in my community it was a foreign concept to, not only my health care providers, but my family and friends.
ReplyDeleteI was adamant that I would breast feed. I knew it was the right choice for me and my daughter. But the second I complained about the 2am feeding, as all new mothers are apt to do, they all said, oh, try the bottle, get some formula, it will be better for you.
I refused and breast fed for 11 months, and the perpetual question that was asked was, "Why?" People didn't understand it was my personal choice and something I wanted to do. I also let her sleep in my bed, but that's a whole other story.
I was pretty lucky with all three of mine, I fed them myself and that was what I wanted to do from the start.
ReplyDeleteWhen my second son was 7 months he had a horrible cold and couldn't really feed properly so he kind of self weaned then. I found it much harder to leave the house quickly with all the stuff you need for bottle feeding.
I happen to agree with you. I wanted to breast feed and had mastitis so i couldn't. I was devastated. I felt that it was really important because of everything i had been told. My 2nd child i tried and again couldn't, but didn't let it bother me. Now i feel very strongly that mums should not be pressured and if they don't want to breat feed then they should be left alone and not asked again. When you have a baby and a toddler to then have a midwife nagging at you on top of that is too much. I was very lucky with my midwife and she didn't pressure me, she listened and left me to do what i wanted. But i know of friends who really suffered the "guilt trips" from their midwives.
ReplyDeleteThe problem comes when you start to define the word "best". Is breast milk the best for all babies? Probably not. It's most likely best for SOME babies. I'm sure that nobody would argue that there are a lot of benefits in breastfeeding.
ReplyDeleteI nursed my three kids and all three of them were completely different. I tried my best but in the end I did what was BEST FOR ME! One nursed a little and got formula a little, one nursed non-stop until he was 18 months and another nursed but weaned herself. The idea that there is only one way is like you say, "poppycock".
Is the breast the best if the baby's new mother is stressed and overwhelmed and in lots of pain? No way! I'm sure than when a new mom is sitting on her couch with a screaming baby who won't latch on and breasts that feel like someone took a blow torch to them, she's not chanting the mantra "breast is best."
I breastfed Kay up until she was 18 months old. I had difficulties to start with but persevered and after a few weeks I never looked back. However, I found there was no way of measuring what amount she drank. Consequently she tended to put on a lot of weight during that time and there was no certain way of controlling it. I thnk it should be a personal thing. You are either for or against, but should not be forced in to doing anything you are unhappy with.
ReplyDeleteI hate the slogan "Breast is Best". Breastfeeding is simply the biological norm. I agree that many women feel pressured to breastfeed but then aren't given the support. You also have many women who want to breastfeed but are pressured to give formula, again instead of being given support. There are definitely some serious flaws in the system, not least with the fact that a personal choice has become a public issue - that's always going to be complicated.
ReplyDeleteBravo! What a fabulous post.
ReplyDeleteI am currently 34 weeks pregnant with my third child and I am sick to death of being brow beaten to breast fed. Not by other mothers, oh no, by the 'professionals'.
When I had my first daughter at 18 I tired to breast feed, but it didn't work out for either of us, so I made the decision to move onto formula. So when I had my second daughter, formula was the natural choice for me. I'm not daft, I know that in a perfect world 'breast is best', but there are hundreds if not thousands of happy healthy formula fed babies out there.
Recently, as I am getting rather large and slow on my feet, I was cornered by our local Health Visitor who despite my telling her my intentions to again formula feed this baby gave me a pitying look and said, 'nevermind, perhaps you'll change your mind.'
Over here (USA) most women I know breast fed their babies, and many for quite a long time. (I even knew two women who breast fed till the kids werw about 4, but that's a whole nuther discussion.)
ReplyDeleteI had every intention of breast-feeding but "failed" miserably with all three. A clue should've been that I didn't even have to change bras during pregnancies, and I produced very little milk after all three babies were born. I even rented an electric pump and managed to produce a whole two ounces in 40 minutes!!! My kids would have starved if I'd relied on my breast milk, in fact with the first one, I had to go back to the hospital for help and was told to supplement with formula.
For mothers like me, judgments against mothers who bottle feed are very annoying.
i hear you...my wife was upset when we had our first as she wanted to brreast feed but just could not...and there is nothing wrong with that..
ReplyDeleteMy kids are adopted, so breast feeding was never an issue, but I see my two daughters dealing with the pressure of breastfeeding their babies. Kids somehow manage to grow up either way, don't they?! Moms have enough stress to deal with without other moms judging them. When my daughter stresses about whether she is doing something "wrong" with her baby, I just tell her not to drop him on his head on concrete. Everything else will be fine.
ReplyDeleteGalen Pearl I so agree. Sometimes we can get so precious about what is right and what we ought to do and forget just to follow our instinct. I had three children under 2 (twins and a toddler) and lived in the middle of nowhere. Frankly I was grateful that everyone was still alive at the end of each day. I did breastfeed until about 14 months because (a) I could (b) it was free and most important (c) I didn't have to faff around sterilizing my tits in the dishwasher so it was FOR ME a whole lot easier. That's not to say that the above scenario wouldn't be Dante's tenth circle of hell for somebody else :)
ReplyDeleteOver here in the US we call the militant breastfeeders, Lactavists. I am all for choosing the way we want to feed our babies. I dare anyone try to tell me I chose wrong. (I formula fed) : )
ReplyDeleteI'm just sick of Everyone thinking they know what's Best for me and my family!! I'm SICK of the government interference!!
ReplyDeletehughugs
I would also say breast is the best, but don't think women should be under pressure, they should decide. I come from the Czech Republic, where to breastfeed for 2 years is absolutely normal....I breasfed isabelle for 9 months, really struggled at the beggining with mastitis and was expressing from day 3, taht saved me, so I was bottle feeding most of the time, but my milk. I didn't like to breasfeed in public anyway, and that gave opportunities to other fam,ily members to feed our newborn and give me more sleep as well. I am hoping to do the same in a few weeks with number two, express my milk, but who knows, I just hope I will be able to do so ;) @Kahanka
ReplyDeleteand very easy to comment here
I wish I'd had more confidence in myself to have given up breast feeding when we first hit problems, however through pressure by midwives and health visitors I kept it up for 5 weeks. My poor baby was still a pound under her birth weight when I eventually gave up. Within 24hours of going on a bottle she had put half a pound on. I still now find it distressing to think back to how skinny and poorly my poor baby looked at 5weeks.
ReplyDeleteTo set the scene, I had had a stressful labour, which nearly ended in an emergency C section and a huge loss of blood. In the struggle to deliver my beautiful baby they caused a fair bit damage which left me having to have corrective surgery. So to put the added pressure on with the breast feeding left me drained both physically and emotionally. At one point they had me feeding on one side with a pump on the other. I feel robbed of the first few weeks with my lovely baby. However it has made me a stronger person and has made me far less judgemental. I think that had the breast feeding been a breeze I could quite easily have become very judgemental of people who bottle feed.
Very well said. I know some of my friends had a really hard time breastfeeding and felt extremely guilty because of it. No one should be made to feel that way.
ReplyDeleteI managed to breast feed both my boys, not as an adamant choice but as a give it a go and see!! With my eldest everything was new so I thought I would give it a try and for me it workedout. I never remember the big issue surrounding it back then so maybe the pressure has increased over the years. I think with everything nowadays there is so much pressure over everything that new mums today must be beside themselves thinking are they doing the right thing!! The right thing will always be whats right for the individual and mums who do not or cannot breastfeed should be treated no different to those who do.....it's absurd! :)
ReplyDeleteI breastfed all my four and it was absolutely the right thing for us. But of course it must be a choice.
ReplyDeleteThe comment format is fine like this. I changed mine to this but had a lot of readers telling me that they were unable to leave one.
ReplyDeleteBreast feeding didn't work at all well with my firstborn. I kept trying because I was pressured to do so and finally gave up. Bliss ensued.
With my second, I tried again but it was so difficult having to go back to work. It was good while it lasted with my second, but formula worked fine.
I am with you all the way. It is a bit like choosing the therapies for your child with autism. You make the decision, you choose what works for you and your child, regardless of what other people think!
ReplyDeleteYour comment format looks good. :)
I really wanted to breastfeed my babies but after three weeks and no sleep I was miserable. My son was miserable. Once I stopped beating myself up and feeling like a failure I bottle fed and it was like a completely different experience. I tried again with my second but just couldn't do it. I was getting too dehydrated with my kidneys. This time I didn't feel so bad and switched to bottle fed. I think if you can breastfeed and you are comfortable with it, then all well and good but if you are not and want to bottle feed your baby, then people should support that decision too. After all it's what is best for the family, there is no right and wrong way.
ReplyDeleteAs I'd changed the comment format to make the comments system look tidier, I assumed I'd be able to reply to your comments individually. But typically, Blogger won't let me do something that I feel is important to my blog.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for leaving your comments; I appreciate each and every one. We all have our views on this subject and we're all entitled to express them.
What I found particularly cruel however, was being called selfish by someone who knows nothing about me. The commenter seems to refer to all mothers who choose not to breastfeed as selfish. Judgemental?
CJ x
I bottle-fed my two daughters (who are now teenagers) and my mum before me bottle fed all six of her children. I couldn't breast-feed for reasons I'm not going to divulge here, but I did feel some pressure to breastfeed from people who were not aware of my reason.
ReplyDeleteMy girls have thrived, and are both in robust health. Everyone should be allowed to make their own decisions about this, and not be made to feel like a failure if they can't or don't want to breastfeed.
I am not yet a mum. My choice will be NOT to breastfeed my babies. Why? Because I want my partner just as much involved in feeding. The whole breast milk pumping thing is not going to happen for me.
ReplyDeleteDon't like my choice? Tough, it is mine to make!
There are a lot of conflicting clinical studies and scientific publications and only a few are acknowledged by Health authorities.
This is an interesting one http://www.ahrq.gov/downloads/pub/evidence/pdf/brfout/brfout.pdf
I think, whether you believe breast is best or bottle best because it's easier to share with your partner, or any other reason for that matter, is that it's all about choice. An informed choice. Many of us live in a world where we are lucky to have choices. We should be respectful of others that choose to make a choice.
ReplyDeleteI agree a certain comment was cruel CJ.
ReplyDelete@Rowan Martin
I think your comment is unnecessarily aggressive and self-righteous.
There is absolutely no need to tell women who choose not to bf selfish. It is attitudes such as this that causes divides and promotes bf evangelism to the point of evil when people should be support no matter their choice.
A sweeping generlisation about shoving bottles into prams. I doubt that is the norm the majority of bottle feeding parents.
FWIW the bottle feeds my son has are anything but 'cold' - he is cwtched in close in his fathers or my arms, holding our hand generally and playing with our fingers while he takes his bottle and we are often touching faces and giving him lots of little kisses. Its as close as when he is fed from me.
I cannot agree that bf is the be all and end all for bonding. If it takes a breast to bond how on earth would children have a relationship with their fathers? Really *rolls eyes*
Great post. I never intended to breast feed my son and never did. Nor will I in future. It's all about choice and I don't believe health visitors or other parents a like have the right to make anyone feel guilty about their choice. It's all about the individual. I don't think I'm a bad mother for not breast feeding and don't think highly of the people who try to make me think this way! xx
ReplyDeletewww.atwentysomethingmum.blogspot.com
I wholeheartedly agreed with you. I went along with the breast is best brigade until a nasty bout of thrush left me buying formula in the small hours from the 24hr store. I was disaspointed at the time, not only could I not have a natural birth but I couldn't breast feed successfully either. I felt like a failure and was rather bemused with the reaction at my post-natal group as well. In hindsight, I beat myself up over it all. If I had another, I'd go straight to formula. It worked for Grace and me.
ReplyDeleteHow refreshing! I tried my best with my son and had to stop after five days. I have never cried so much and felt so bad - even when my mum died. With my daughter I also took the quick, adamant and non negitiable route and saved myself a lot of pain and anguish.
ReplyDeleteOh! I so agree (and that despite having breastfed all four of mine - including twins). Like others I've blogged about this http://isthereaplanb.blogspot.com/2011/10/brainwashed-by-breastapo.html
ReplyDeletebecause it makes me so cross that women who can't or won't for any number of valid reasons are made to feel like failures at a time when they most need support and to be told they're doing a good job.
Breast is better (please note correct grammar!) nutritionally and health wise for both mother and baby. It is not, however, better if it causes emotional or physical distress to either. You have to weigh up the pros and cons in every situation and that's exactly what the pro-breast-feeding lobby (although interestingly the NCT have just changed their stance on this) can't or won't do with their utterly blinkered attitude to a complex and personal issue.
Really interesting post. I totally agree, it's a mum's choice. I breastfed my daughter, because that was what I wanted to do and - for me - it was the easiest option. But then she refused a bottle (because I was told "under no circumstances introduce one before 6 weeks or she may refuse your breast") of expressed milk and that was it for just over a year. I enjoyed breastfeeding but did sometimes feel a sense of huge responsibility, in that I couldn't ever leave her for more than an hour before she was 9 months old. Exhausting. That said, I'd do the same again, because - again - it was right for ME and MY BABY. The whole breastfeeding thing has become such an emotive and political issue. You're right, new mums have enough to contend with without being made to feel like failures before their baby is even 1 month old.
ReplyDeleteGood grief, I have only just caught up with this post. And my, what a jolly interesting one it is too! I wanted to breastfeed my son, and I did so for about 10 weeks, my milk then dried up so I kind of had no alternative than to go onto formula. I would also like to say that formula milk would not surely have been invented if you should only breastfeed your child.
ReplyDeleteIt should be up to the individual mother to decide on what is right for the mom and the baby. I think a lot of men feel totally excluded by the fact that a mom and a baby have a special bond which is sometimes brought about by breastfeeding. At times, it would also have been nice if I wasn't the only one getting up in the middle of the night to feed him. I loved doing it because I know that it was the only thing that I could do for him, that noone else could do and that made me feel special. Perhaps that's selfish! But do you know what, I can't change what I chose at the time. And I wouldn't want to. Thanks CJ for such an interesting post which has obviously sparked a lot of discussion and a lot of emotion! x x
Excellent post. I think it should be a woman's choice and not something that is imposed on us. Its all very well having slogans such as breast is best, but it wasn't best for my family. I've tried breastfeeding. The first time I received no support and gave up as the result of pain and infection. The second time, I couldn't produce enough to feed my son and he started not to thrive and the third I ran out of milk due to exhaustion. Whilst my babies got a few days or weeks of my milk, I then moved across to formula and have no regrets. Feeding became easier and it enabled me to enjoy the other aspects of motherhood.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I would like to add is that with bottle feeding there is still a wonderful mother-baby closeness. I didn't feel that it was any less than when I breastfeed. I still bonded with my babies.
Scientifically speaking, it doesn't have as many benefits as they say.
ReplyDeleteMy mum says that women who don't even give breast feeding a chance are selfsish... It hurts, it's uncomfortable and white liquid drips out of the one place in your body that should never have fluids coming out of it. Or so I've heard.
But really, after nine months of suffering, is it necessary that the torture continues? And from a scientific POV, I wouldn't say breast feeding is better than formula. Let's see.
Breast feeding is the natural way the body aquires antisomes. It's like a shot given after you've been bitten by a dog; the antisomes don't last for a very long time, they wear off. So, those antisomes only exist for a limited amount of time. When they're gone, they're gone. You could even say they have no value cause they don't contribute in building up the body's defences.
Besides, I don't suppose anyone would let their newborn roll in mud for it to have the chance to get infected. Protect it yourself from infection, why does it need antisomes?
A breast is a sensitive and beautiful thing that should be treated with utmost care. A creepy thing gnawing on it does not exactly qualify as "handling with care". That's why so many people are hesitant about nipple clamps. I bet these protesting against women not breast feeding wouldn't consider using them.
This debate always saddens me: hard enough being a mum/mom/parent without feeling judged into oblivion. I was lucky- lots of milk,voracious eaters. I think the best thing for a baby is a sane mother, and there were many times I longed to be able to give my sons bottles (spoiled brats wouldn't have it). Breastdeeding was simply one more chore for me, and my employer talked the talk but had no fridge and I pumped and dumped in the toilet during my 3 days at work. Any woman who emerges from childbirth & babyhood able to tie her own shoes is my icon.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has never had to make the choice for her kids, I find this topic ridiculously irritating, and I am constantly astounded by the amount of bullying that goes on around breastfeeding or not as the case may be.
ReplyDeleteBullying is what it is. The women who are stressed about not managing to breastfeed are bullied by some of the attitudes and immaturity of the breast is best brigade.
Not all women who believe breast is best bully others, but there are a fair proportion. I never hear the forumula mums bullying the militant breastfeeding ones.
It's a non-topic for me, but I keep seeing information about it, and upset women who get no help to understand what is gong on or to make them realise that it is ok to bottle feed if they want to.
I really really wish this topic would go away and mums were supported whether they bottle or breast fed. When I was born, mums were advised to bottle feed, these days the tables are turned.
You should all just support each other no matter what anyone else does and then some women might not feel so bad about it.
Thanks for this post, I have had the opportunity to rant about what really annoys me as a non feeding mum of any kind. One of my boys was fed cows milk almost from day 1 and he's doing fine.
I like the term breastapo in one of the comments above. Thankfully not all breastfeeding mums are like that or the rest of us might go insane.
I'm a breast is best mummy.... so much so that with my 2nd, who is 6 months old and refuses the breast I express and give it to her that way. Although I agree that there should be no pressure, I do think the milk that is customized for just your child is the best.
ReplyDeleteHi, I loved reading your post, I totally agree that a woman should have the right to choose, and being guilt tripped into breastfeeding will make neither the mother or baby happy, therefore defying the point! I think the same principles work both ways however- I have a friend who told me breastfeeding was disgusting and that she looked down on anyone who did it. I am currently breastfeeding my 6 month old because I enjoy it and it works for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm overwhelmed with the response to this post. Your comments have been amazing and give each of us an excellent and varied outlook to this very complex subject.
ReplyDeleteAs a sheep farmer I know how important colustrum is to a new born. Breast milk does have it's natural benefits, but my daughter is living proof that formula works just as well. I'm quite sure mums who formula fed will agree.
Thank you so much for your contributions.
CJ x
Hi
ReplyDeleteI just read your blog and thought I should comment. When I had my son I just couldn't get on with breast feeding and I felt so bad about it. Made worse by the fact that I was told before he was born that breast was best. However, we just couldn't get the latch to work properly and despite seeking help couldn't get it right. So I ended up breast-pumping milk, five sometimes six times a day (waking up to do it in the night too) and feeding him that. I was exhausted and pretty miserable but I felt that it was the only option as I kept being told it was 'for the best'. Second time around and I was adamant that I would nail breast feeding from the start and paid for a private expert to come to my house the second I got home. I told her she couldn't leave the house until I cracked it and crack it I did. However, if I knew now (I have lots of friends who didn't breastfeed who have healthy and happy children and who have bonded just as well) I don't think I would have put myself under so much pressure either time. I'm not sure if but I suspect that the enormous pressure to breastfeed with both babies caused me more turmoil than I realised at the time. If I was to have a third baby I would hope to be more relaxed about it. There is too much pressure to breastfeed. It should be a personal choice based on what works best for you and the baby. Having a newborn is tough enough without feeling like you're failing from day one. Michelle
Very well put. I've seen women feeling like complete failures because they could not breast feed, and it's just not fair. I tried to breast feed but could not do it for very long because I was so concerned about whether baby was getting enough and there was no support there for me. I'm now breast feeding my third child successfully and am thrilled to be doing so, but I will defend my right to switch to formula tomorrow if I wanted to. It should be a choice, and women certainly should not be judged for formula feeding when they couldn't or didn't want to breast feed. In the past, it hasn't been uncommon for wealthy mothers to choose to give their children to a wet nurse to feed, so I suppose it is similar to that in a way.
ReplyDeleteThought-provoking and interesting debate! One thing that's often left out of the breast is best debate is that it's almost entirely unrealistic to expect a working mother to breast feed, once you factor in the commute, pumping time, tiredness.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the "science" of breastfeeding is a lot less compelling than some sources maintain. Check out this video featuring Joan Wolf, a researcher and expert on breastfeeding.
Jen - have to beg to differ with you on that, I was back at work at three and a bit months after my two and have exclusively breastfed them - yes it does need some organisation but it is entirely possible to breastfeed and work
DeleteIn fact, given breastfed babies are less poorly during the first year it has HUGE benefits to a working mum plus the ability to get more sleep, bond on your return and have something Mummy that only you can do even if you are away 12 hours plus a day or overnight
I completely agree with a lot of these comments. Mums need proper education in order to make an informed choice and if they choose bf then should receive appropriate support so they can feed until they are ready to stop. I also think women who formula feed need more support. When I was given bad advice from a midwife(!!!) which saw me stop bf my oldest at 7 months, all the practical info I had was on the formula tin. I hate the whole debate and wish mums were able to get on with feeding however they want to. I chose bf and am happy with my choice and want other mums to feel happy and confident with their choices. I've bloggers about this never-ending subject too and doubt I've written my last on the issue.
ReplyDelete"Breast is best" is a slogan not accepted any more by most bf charities. The message is now that breastfeeding is a natural way of feeding and has been around for hundreds of years.
ReplyDeleteThe aim of any bf charity is to offer information so mums make an informed choice. So it's about having the information and making a choice that fits your circumstances.
It's not about brainwashing or feeling smug. I think it's wrong to make judgements about the way other parents raise their children.
Yet parents are often competitive, this is not only about feeding. Think about those parents who delight in telling you that their three year old can already read and play the violin...
Personally I don't push anyone in any direction. My own experience was that the nurses in the hospital were pushing me into the formula business and nobody wanted to help with the breastfeeding. If honestly, I am a bit fed up of reading how the bottlefeeding mothers are so fiercely trying to justify their choice. Fine with that, your choice, be happy. But claiming everyone is criticising you or pushing into the breastfeeding is just not true. Most of the other people don't really care how you feed your child.
ReplyDeleteJust a quick note to Greensleeves; People do criticise each other about feeding, but from both angles. I agree, most people don't really care how you feed your child, and nor should they.
ReplyDeleteThank you for all your comments, CJ x
Many parenting forums that I first joined in and later left for the lack of interest was mostly bottlefeeding mums, doing snipey remarks about the breastfeeding mafia, breastapo (whoever coined these phrases is a moron who obviously knows nothing about the real mafia or Gestapo). If someone was making similar offensive comments about bottlefeeding, she would have been crucified. As I have been in both camps, did both, breast and bottle with our firstborn, I honestly don't see why any camp should hate each other? In my opinion, only ignorant people give unsolicited advice.
ReplyDeleteI breastfed 4 out of 6 of mine and hated it - I also never suffered with PND on the 2 babies I bottle fed it def is a mothers choice and we should not be made to feel guilty if choose that it is not for us.
ReplyDeleteI really believe that its mums that put the pressure on themselves!
ReplyDeleteAlso it is undeniable that breast is best!
I ve also done a blog post on this and can understand both peoples decision for and against.
ReplyDeleteThere are lots of pros and cons about breast feeding some mothers cant breast feed due to health issues or confidence issues.
I have to admit this has been on my mind a lot over the past few days, especially the vlog link someone posted on Britmums. It made me realise how brainwashed I'd been. I struggled, I really grafted with very little sleep and no break from my son for 13 months. I'm now kicking myself for not being a bit more flexible. I got sucked in by not wanting to give *any* formula because there was an absolutist stance by everyone about it all. It feels silly now. Why didn't I allow myself some sanity and a bit of a break?
ReplyDeleteI found that vlog quite surprising but it really didn't surprise me. I'd never judge anyone for their choice, it's no one else's business how they choose to feed. That's why I get so angry when I hear people judging others for their methods. Women's lib...
DeleteGreat post, and I completely agree. Incredible how judgemental people can be. I blogged about this a while ago and received some pretty nasty comments and emails.
ReplyDeleteIt's one of those subjects that makes people who have extreme views blinker themselves, stick their fingers in their ears and go blah blah blah, and they won't see the other side of the arguement.